Its 3.25AM now, and I can’t sleep.
Now that I’ve been working for the past week, I rarely see my family members around anymore. When I wake up, my parents have already left for work. And when I’m home, they’re already in bed. I really miss them. I miss having family dinners and I miss hearing my mum nagging at me. Now I don’t even see or hear their voices anymore.
I’ve been feeling so guilty. I’ve been thinking about past events of my family and friends and I realised I’ve been such a bad daughter and a friend.
I’m so selfish. I remember many times whenever I ask my Dad to sponsor my shopping trips, he always gladly obliged even though he was really tight on cash. Sometimes, out of the blue, he would ask me to do errands for him and mostly I turned him down or push it to my brother to do it for him. I am so mean. >:( Sometimes I really feel like slapping myself. How can I do this to my Dad? I love him so so much. He gave up so many things for this family. He gave up his poly education when my brother and me was born. Now he has to struggle to get a diploma at this age because it was his dream to get one. Whenever I see my Dad practicing his Amaths or memorising an engineering text, I feel so overwhelmed because he really loves learning while I always whine about going to school.
Mum, I always say the meanest words to you whenever you nag at me. I am very very sorry. I think ‘sorries’ and ‘thank yous’ can’t really heal your broken heart that I’ve always shattered to pieces. Sometimes I act like I don’t care but I do care about you. And just like Dad, you went on for further studies at your age and sometimes I would brag about it to my friends because I was so proud of both of you. But when I see you struggling with your thesis and reports, I could not do anything to help because I did not know how. All I could do is watch you getting all stressed up.
I love the both of you. You mean so much to me. I wish I could tell you all of these in person but I don’t have the courage to.
Crying ever since I’ve started typing and its been 20 minutes.
I think I might have a slight depression.